Survivor: Washington D.C.

In my continuing effort to do nothing with my life, I was watching Sports Center this past week when a breaking update came on. Apparently, ex-NFL lineman Warren Sapp had just finished second on Dancing with the Stars. For those of you who may be unaware of what Dancing With the Stars is (don’t ask me who isn’t; maybe Amish people, but they shouldn’t be reading this anyway), Dancing With the Stars is a reality show in which celebrities compete in a dancing competition with trained professional dancers. Now when I say celebrities, what I actually mean are wash-ups (Lance Bass), sports stars (the aforementioned Sapp), people you have never heard of (who the hell is Cody Linley?), and dead people (Cloris Leachman). These people are on this show only because Hollywood Squares is no longer on the air and because a reality show in which washed-up celebs are fed to sharks and lions doesn’t exist yet (don’t worry, Fox is working on it and Gilbert Gottfried has already been scheduled to be eaten alive by rabid beavers).

Apparently Sapp finished second to ex-famous hot person Brooke Burke, famous for … er… wait, was she in… no… Okay so I don’t know why she is famous. But the results were not a big surprise to me. For one thing, even though past sports figures have had success on the show, have you seen Warren Sapp? I love the guy, but he is a big fat dude. Then there is Brooke Burke, and I may not know why she is famous, but she is hot. Every week Sapp comes out in a suit with enough fabric in it to house the entire country of Ghana in canvas tents while Burke’s outfit never seems to be finished, in the sense that it is missing many key parts (maybe they don’t have time to sew her outfit cause it takes too long to make Sapp’s).

Anyways, after hearing about how many people voted for the winner, and seeing as the winner was clearly the right choice, I had a thought: We should select our President in a reality show! I mean, how much more ridiculous can it be than the Electoral College? Every year it seems as if the state of Ohio single-handedly decides the president. In this past election, Obama was declared the winner before the polls in Hawaii were even closed! So we are going to decide the next President through a reality show.

And on top of deciding the President, it would be entertaining! Wouldn’t it be awesome to watch the Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney arguing and bickering their way around the world in The Amazing Race? Or to watch John McCain revert to his days in Vietnam POW camps by eating rats on Survivor? We could watch Hillary Clinton try and seduce Joe the Plumber in The Bachelorette; Bill Clinton and John Edwards fool around in Wife Swap; Barack Obama overcome his past drug habits in Celebrity Rehab; Dennis Kucinich hunt down aliens in UFO Hunters; Sarah Palin give parenting tips on Super Nanny (after all, she does have a pregnant child, a retarded child, a military child, a gay child, adopted child, a blind child, a deaf child, and a dog, so what hasn’t she seen?).

But I think that the ultimate reality show to determine our new president is none other than American Idol. Imagine the possibilities…

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome everybody to American Idol. Last night our contestants gave their final performance and tonight, we will decide your American President. It’ll be a close race, and we had some amazing performances last night. Barack Obama started off the night with a stirring rendition of David Bowie’s “Changes.” Next up were John McCain singing “War” by Edwin Starr and Hillary Clinton singing Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

Simon: I felt that all three were solid, but Obama did the best job of connecting with the crowd. He had the “it” factor. I felt McCain wasn’t able to identify with his audience, and I think Hillary was appealing to too small a crowd.

Seacrest: Not all of our contestants were able to swoon the judges. Ralph Nader’s version of Paramore’s “Here We Go Again” was uninspiring and Rudy Giuliani made Frank Sinatra turn in his grave with a horrible version of “New York, New York.” Ron Paul butchered Stevie Ray Vaughn’s “Texas Flood” and John Edwards drew boos from the crowd while singing Hank Williams’ “Your Cheatin’ Heart.”

Randy: Yo dogs, was a little pitchy for me. Definitely not your best performances. That ain’t getting into my dawg pound.

Paula: You know what? You’re all winners. You all make me happy. You all will be presidents of some country some day. I love you all.

Simon: Stupid bimbo. I have heard better singing from the choir at a school for the deaf. It sounded like singing on a bus. A short yellow bus. None of you will ever be president.

Seacrest: Well, after 50 million votes and 10 million commercial breaks, we have the results. The 44^th President of the United States is… oh god.

Sanjaya: Hey everybody!