Going Green

So this morning (by morning I mean when we woke up, which was at noon), me and a couple friends decided to go someplace to eat breakfast. This was a harder task than you would think, mainly because every other normally functioning person by this time was eating lunch and doing many productive things with their day, while I was still wondering where I put my underwear (and I still am for that matter).

Anyway, we finally found a place called Turley’s that was still serving breakfast food so we decided to give it a try. Now, a more alert and awake person would have noticed several warning signs when we went to this place. First off, when we walked in the place there were maybe ten people in there, and I’m counting the three of us and the seven workers. The second warning was the menu. Anytime you see something called a Tofu Scramble on the first page of the menu, you should carefully set the menu down, back away slowly, and don’t make any sudden movements or loud sounds. If not, you will frighten the vegans and they will try to scamper back into the woods and get run over on the highway.

Okay, so there were some normal items on the menu, but even the meats supposedly had no anti-biotics or steroids or heroin or whatever they put into animals nowadays to make them taste good. But the food is not what we should have feared. For some reason (I would say a combination of low IQ’s, high testosterone, and the word “shot”) we decided to try something called a wheat grass shot. The menu said that one ounce of this stuff was equivalent to 2.5 pounds of leafy greens. Now, I’ve never been great with math, but I’m not exactly sure how that works. I bet it involves quantum physics or molecular biology or the alphabet or some other concept I don’t understand.

All I know is that I’m pretty sure even I’ve never eaten 2.5 pounds of anything in one sitting. Okay that’s a lie, but steaks don’t count. But I know I’ve never eaten more than a pound of green things before. Do you know why? Because the last time I checked, I am not a cow. I just look, smell and think like one. I’m pretty sure even cows don’t eat more than a pound of grass at a time, and they have four stomachs. I only have two, so I don’t stand a chance. All cows do anyway is eat like one bite and then keep throwing it up in their mouths and chewing it and swallowing it again all day, kind of like a frat president.

Anyway, the waitress finally brought us our shots. Now to be honest, I’ve eaten and drank a lot of disgusting things in my life. I’ve had bugs, cat food, live crabs, month-old beer, and dorm food. But after seeing and smelling this thing, it was the most scared I had ever been to drink something. This thing smelled like freshly mowed lawn and was the same color as Oscar the Grouch, but less friendly. I of course asked the waiter if I was going to like this and before I even finished my sentence she said “Absolutely not.”

After about five minutes of crying, we finally did chug it. I have to be honest, you know how there are some things that you are apprehensive about trying, but when you finally do you realize it actually tastes really good and you were ashamed to be afraid of it in the first place? This was not one of those things. It tasted like grass. Which we probably should have figured out earlier, but if we had decent reasoning skills we wouldn’t have ordered them in the first place. In reality it didn’t taste as bad as it smelled and looked, but by no means did it taste good.

After drinking them we took a look at the menu to see what benefits we would get from it aside from smelling like the garden section of Home Depot. Apparently it I supposed to help increase among other things our athletic potential, which would be useful if I was ever in the mood to be athletic, which I never am. And of course, we got enough fiber to unclog the Hoover Dam. I’m pretty sure everything we eat from now on will just slide through our body like a water slide and drop straight into our pants (which means I really need to get on finding my underwear). I feel like Snow White, I’m walking around and all these random animals are following me around because I smell like some kind of food trough. Every time I burp it tastes like I maintained an entire golf course with my teeth.

And if you think the wheat grass wasn’t sitting well with us, you should have felt what my stomach did when we got the bill. Each shot cost us $2, which is ridiculous. McDonald’s charges you a dollar for a burger, which actually tastes like food. But as with almost everything, this experience gave me a great business idea. If people actually pay to drink these things, I say why stop with grass? Tree bark cocktails, moss margaritas, fungus bombs, dirt daiquiris, the possibilities are endless. And since I can get all of the ingredients by walking around the woods, it’s 100% profit! Now all I need to do is herd the vegans away from the highway and into my bar. All I need is some of that Tofu Scramble as bait.