The Life of the Rich and Retarded

I’m sure you’re like most people; you think that your life is full of problems. Well you need to just suck it up, because according to Jessica Biel, you don’t know anything about problems until you have been saddled with the greatest burden of all: being really hot. I mean next to that, all of your problems seem pretty insignificant right? I bet now you just feel like such an ungrateful brat, taking your ugliness for granted.

All joking aside, as a fellow hot person I can empathize with Biel. Okay, yeah, that was still a joke. Now I promise I’m done joking around. Apparently Biel recently said that being pretty was a disadvantage during a recent interview with a women’s magazine. (Hey, this is a bit of a tangent, but have you ever wondered why men’s magazines have scantily clad women, but women’s magazines also have scantily clad women? It shows you how disgusting women think we men really are; the entire female population would probably be lesbians if they ever figured out how to have children without men involved.) Anyway, the magazine asked her something along the lines of “Are your good looks a disadvantage for an actress?” to which she answered yes.

Now before we all over-react and call her an airheaded bimbo, let’s take a moment to see where Jessica is coming from and try and see her point of view … Okay that was long enough; Jessica Biel is an airheaded bimbo. Unfortunately, this is the type of thing that happens when you are famous. Normally when people say retarded things, the two or three people that still hang out with them just nod their heads and sigh (I’m a great example). But when these retarded people become famous, every little dumb thing that they say turns into a headline story. This in turn gives other retarded people the opportunity to show how retarded they are by talking about the retarded things that retarded celebrities do. How else do you explain the entire VH1 channel? For every retard that is famous for no reason (Paris Hilton) there is a retard that is famous for talking about retards who are famous for no reason (Perez Hilton). It depresses me watching shows with these celebrity analysts knowing I will have to work hard for the rest of my life to pay for electricity while they are on TV for knowing what Sarah Jessica Parker does with her toenail clippings (I heard she eats them).

If you want to get really depressed you should watch this one show they have on VH1 that is entirely about how much celebrities spend on themselves. You always knew that celebrities spend a lot of money, but just in case you wanted an exact number, this show is for you. Now I would be mad enough finding out that these celebrities spent millions of dollars useful things like cars, mansions, cocaine, African orphans, etc. But you watch these shows and they talk about celebrities who spend millions of dollars on toilet paper because they only use the even numbered sheets in a roll.

So this of course got me to thinking about what I would do if I for some reason became famous and fabulously wealthy. I have a feeling I wouldn’t make a very good rich person, because the first thing that I thought of getting for my mansion was a riding lawnmower and a urinal. (Why do you never see urinals in houses? They are so much easier.) But this past week I went to a beach house for my friend’s birthday party and I now know what I want with all my money. This house was right on the beach and had a bench, four lawn chairs and three hammocks. I guarantee that if I lived at this house I would never be up for more than five minutes or move more than ten feet at a time.

Of course I still have no idea how or why I am supposed to become rich and famous, but then again I’m sure that was what everyone said about Shia Labeouf when he was growing up and now he gets to make out with Megan Fox (of course, people are probably still saying that about him). It was around then that I was struck with inspiration from an unexpected source: American Idol finalist Adam Lambert. I was listening to a radio show talking about how he finally came out as gay (if you were one of the people who were somehow surprised by this fact, I bet you would also be surprised to find that water is wet). I was just about change the channel when the announced said something that caught my attention: American Idol would be holding auditions in Denver. And it suddenly was all clear to me: I will become famous by auditioning on American Idol. As all of you who have ever heard me sing can attest, I have a voice like Jim Morrison, or at least what Jim Morrison sounded like while he was overdosing on heroin. But you don’t need any actual singing talent to get famous, just a memorable audition. So who’s with me? I’m thinking of combining the performances of William Hung and the bikini girl while singing the “I Love You” song from Barney.