Space Oddity

So apparently yesterday was the 40^th anniversary of the U.S. landing on the moon. I know this because for some reason everybody thinks it’s big deal, which honestly surprised me; I mean brave souls risk their lives everyday going to places like North Dakota and we don’t make a big deal about that now do we? It’s not that I don’t think landing on the moon was important, but I mean Led Zeppelin debuted that same year and I don’t remember a big celebration for that (and don’t tell me that landing on the moon was more historically relevant; I still listen to Led Zeppelin, while I have never been to the moon as far as I can remember).

I’m sorry; you’ll have to forgive me. I’m just not one of those guys who just lie down and look at the stars and wonder about far-off galaxies and the meaning of life and all that other retarded mumbo jumbo emotional stuff. If you ever see me lying down at night and looking up at the stars, please call 911, because I definitely did not get there willingly (or knowingly). But I must admit I am the exception to the rule, because from the beginning of time, man has looked up into the sky and wondered about the vast mysteries of space. For an example, we once again call upon cavemen Oog and Wog:

Wog: What do you think those lights up in the sky are?

Oog: I would say it looks like a thousand light bulbs. Or maybe a thousand fires.

Wog: We haven’t invented light bulbs yet you idiot. In fact, I don’t know if we’ve even discovered fire yet.

Oog: Well we better, or else I’ll have to watch my TV in the dark.

Unfortunately, future civilizations didn’t know much more about how space worked than Wog and Oog. Space is one of the few things that even we humans may never fully understand (along with curling, AIDS, and women). I had an astronomy class last year, and the one thing that my professor kept emphasizing is that we find out new things about space every day, and even what we think is fact today may be proven wrong tomorrow. Of course this didn’t stop them from giving me tests on these so called “facts” and informing me that I had the “wrong” answer. I politely informed them that maybe if they waited until tomorrow new evidence would prove me right, but they never went for that. They constantly ridicule the Church for being close minded to new theories on space and exiling Galileo and yet here are these professors failing me for daring to think as no man has thunk before (see, my spell-check is being close-minded and telling me that thunk is not a word; but as a pioneer of thinking I am ignoring the squiggly red line).

The other thing they emphasized in my astronomy class is that space is very big. Every astronomy book will then insert a “space” and “spacious” joke, because humor is essential in textbooks. Of course it doesn’t help that textbooks get all of their jokes from people who aren’t very good at being funny, like scientists, professors, funeral undertakers, and everyone involved with “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.” Anyways, if you want to feel like your life is small and insignificant and for some reason “Keeping up with the Kardashian’s” isn’t on TV, go to an astronomy lecture. Think about it: you are one small speck on a planet that is one small speck in a solar system that is one small speck in our galaxy that is one small speck in our universe. But of course instead of just saying that, scientists always for some reason decide they have to explain it to you with fruits and marbles as if you were some kind of chimp.

So I guess the fact that things in space are so far apart is one reason why going to the moon was such a big deal. But we all know the main thing is that we beat the Russians. Anytime we beat Russia at something they are supposed to be good at we should celebrate, which may be the only reason anyone in the U.S watched gymnastics in the 80’s (we still watch today so we can root against the Chinese). Russia is like that kid in the class that talks funny and has a unibrow but the teacher has to be nice to because he’s sort of smart and carries a shotgun everywhere. So to me, landing on the moon is no bigger an event than the Miracle on Ice, and if you are being compared to a hockey game that’s never a good thing.

Still, I guess landing on the moon is pretty impressive. It must have been neat to be a kid watching Neil Armstrong finally land on the moon. On a side note, we are kind of lucky that the first man to walk on the moon was Armstrong. For one thing he has a cool name; you know you’re a badass with a last name like Armstrong. I mean the letters in “Neil Armstrong” can be rearranged to spell “manlier strong” (of course they can also be rearranged to spell “girl ornaments”). Plus, he had the presence of mind to realize that his first words on the moon would be remembered forever and say something really cool and inspiring. Whereas if I had been the first man on the moon, my first words would have been something like this:

“Holy s**t dude, I’m walking on f**king moon. Hi mom!” (I would have then proceeded to sing “Walking On the Moon” by the Police even though technically the song debuted ten years later).

As you can see, that would have been disastrous; it’s hard to inspire children about the joys of space exploration when you have to bleep the first words on the moon. Although to be fair, Armstrong had months to think of what he was going to say; I thought of my speech in less than ten minutes.

Of course, once the initial thrill of landing on the moon went away, we realized that the moon is a pretty boring place. It looks like the Midwest, just with fewer cows and more hookers. In fact, that’s my main argument against those people who think that they faked the moon landing. If they faked it, they probably would have made it look worth all the hype and tossed in a Rolling Stones concert and fireworks or something. Astronauts were getting so bored that one of them brought golf equipment (you know NASA is filled with old white guys when they look at the moon and their first thought is “I’d like to see my wife stop me from golfing up there.”)

So sadly NASA decided to stop wasting money on trips to the moon and decided to waste money on different projects, like failing to launch shuttles. But maybe one day, we will return to the moon. Who knows, maybe the Russians will finally get up there, and instead of golf, they’ll play hockey up there. Lord knows nobody is paying attention to it down here.