Losing Weight the Easy Way With Swine Flu

So in light of the fact that our school is currently in the middle of finals week, I found myself at 2 in the morning doing what any good college student would do to prepare for final exams: watching TV. You see, I figured out from the national media that I’m going to die of the swine flu pretty soon, so why should I care about finals? But seriously, you would think the way the country was reacting to the swine flu that it actually was dangerous or something. At least in salmonella and mad cow scares I get to buy cheap peanut butter and steaks, but this epidemic is just irritating. I mean the Jonas Brothers give me nausea and diarrhea, but you don’t see Dr. Sanjay Gupta doing reports on them do you?

Anyway, so we were watching TV for the better part of four hours even though we never actually found anything interesting to watch. As we were flipping through the channels, I realized that Americans truly are the laziest people in the world (the French come close considering all they do is sit in cafes and snicker at American tourists and say things in funny accents). But I realized we are still the champs of laziness as I watched countless infomercials for workout machines. I mean in the span of an hour, I saw infomercials for Total Gym, Ab Wheel, and a few other weird contraptions that looked like they were taken either from a daycare playground or Guantanamo Bay.

The whole concept of these weird workout machines is suspect for several reasons. For one thing, people watching TV at 3 in the morning are generally not the type of people who have a whole lot of motivation to lose weight (for instance, Ian and I were sitting there watching these workout infomercials while eating two plates of Chinese food each). Secondly, none of these things work. They all try and tell you that you can get “rock hard abs” and a “sleek physique” in something like ten minutes a day and will take all of the work out of getting in shape (never mind that the “work” part is what actually makes you lose weight). These machines always let you do something that you can do without a machine. So they always say something to the effect that sit-ups and push-ups are for cavemen and poor people in Darfur. They say that sit-ups only work part of your abs, while the Ab Wheel works all of your abs in addition to your legs, your core, and the inside of your uterus.

By the way, have you ever noticed that the people using the machine are already really fit and good-looking? Sure they always show those success stories, but I’ve always been suspicious of those. For one thing, apparently these people just take pictures of themselves in underwear when they are fat, just in case they ever do get fit so they can do the whole before and after thing. Also, if they just started selling the Ab Wheel, how did these people get one? Did they sneak a bunch of bootlegged Ab Wheels to some fat people so they could have something for the commercials when they released them to the public?

Plus, nobody that orders these things will ever use them. I would estimate that at least 75% of the nation’s garage space is occupied by unused workout equipment. I would know, because my garage at home is filled with useless expensive things like the Inversion Table, which my mother bought to “straighten her back.” An inversion table basically is the same type of device Dick Cheney has at home for waterboarding terrorists and insolent family members. You strap yourself onto this table and it flips you upside down, straightening out your back and giving you massive brain hemorrhaging. Needless to say, my mom and my sister used it for a few weeks, then their attention span ran out and they moved onto the next workout machine like a retarded kid running through a wishing well getting distracted by all of the coins.

You see, the biggest reason that people aren’t fit is that normal people don’t have the time or motivation to stick with a workout program. You ever seen that show “The Biggest Loser”? They basically take fat people, stick them in an isolated mansion, give them professional trainers with expensive equipment, cook them gourmet healthy meals, and then act surprised when they lose weight. I mean, give me a break, it would be embarrassing if you didn’t lose weight when the only thing you have to do all day is try and lose weight. Unfortunately, the rest of us out in the real world have jobs and school, which is why normal people, instead of working out, are eating cheeseburgers while typing out reports at 2 in the morning.

But now that finals are over and I have the entire summer, I’m going to try and get back into shape (although that statement implies that I was once “in-shape”). As a little extra motivation, I am competing with Chris and Ian to see who can get into the best shape (whatever that shape may turn out to be). I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to go about doing this, but I think my mom might still have some of those Tae-Bo videos lying around somewhere. It’ll give me something to watch while I eat Chinese food.