It has come to my attention that there is a threat facing the United States that nobody is addressing: geese. Oh, laugh at me now. You may think that there are more pressing issues at the moment, like the War in Iraq, the economy, and the new season of American Idol. But trust me, if we do not start paying attention to these geese, our country will fall. First of all, I deal with geese a lot. Near our dorm are two large ponds which we believe the school built to make the area a scenic little walk-about. Needless to say, it may be the ugliest body of water on Earth. Nobody cleans it, so it just has this strange smell and greenish color to it for most of the year. People piss in it, throw random furniture in it, and drive abandoned maintenance vehicles into it. For most of the year, the pond is home to various fish, turtles, ducks and large hostile wads of algae. But none of these animals bother anybody, they just go about their business of growing large radioactive tumors.
The geese on the other hand, are a nuisance. They don’t stay there all the time, but flocks fly in every once in awhile and stay for a day or two. In that time, they manage to drop an inch-thick layer of goose crap on every walking surface available. This is especially problematic for me, since I normally wear slippers and have gotten geese crap on my foot on more than one occasion.
Normally winter gives us a nice reprieve from these stupid geese because the pond freezes over. This year however, it has been unusually warm, and while I love warm weather, it has caused the geese to return from whatever warm climate they go to in the winter (hell). The other week while playing basketball, we heard an ominous honking in the distance. It’s kind of like in war movies, where the soldiers hear the buzz of planes coming. Chris immediately said “these geese are going to crap on me, just watch.” Sure enough, as they passed over, I see something dropping out of the sky. Chris moves just in time to watch a pile of goose crap land where he was just standing. Now don’t tell me that the goose wasn’t aiming, because I swear, if Chris had not moved, the crap would have landed directly on his forehead.
Ever since then, we’ve had these gooses (hey, you don’t say a herd of meese do you?) wandering around turning our sidewalks into a fertilizer factory. I have proposed crapping where they walk to show them what it feels like. Unfortunately, I was informed that since the geese walk where people walk (and geese are generally retarded), I would scare more people than geese. (Yeah, I thought it was a good idea. As I realized the other day, good ideas are pretty rare. I can go for days without having one. In fact, realizing that I don’t ever have good ideas was probably the best idea I’ve had in weeks.) Some kids have started a brave effort to touch the geese, but I feel that molesting them will not be enough. I mean, I once nailed a goose in the back with a half-empty Gatorade bottle and it didn’t fly away.
Now you may be thinking to yourself “well of course, geese are a nuisance, but that’s it.” Well need I remind you what geese can do when they put their mind to it? I’m sure you all recall the plane that landed in the Hudson River about a month ago. The plane blew an engine shortly after take-off, and the pilot was forced to land in the city. Fortunately, the pilot resisted the urge to crash into the new Yankees Stadium and safely set the plane down in the Hudson River. Everybody got out safely and the pilot was invited to the Superbowl and all was well, right? Lost in the whole situation though was what caused the crash. As it turns out, it was a flock of geese. The pilots just remember seeing geese and then smelling chicken nuggets. Now, you tell me what geese were doing high enough in the air to bring down a plane. I’ll tell you what they were doing, they were attacking our country.
Who are they taking their orders from? Well, ask yourself where Canadian geese are from. That’s right, Canada! The same evil empire which has already snuck various WMDs into our country in the form of hockey, Celine Dion, and cheap marijuana. Have you ever tried to give orders to a goose? I bet you looked pretty stupid. That’s because they only take orders in Canadian. Try and give your orders like this: “Eh, why don’t you, eh, go, like, eh, attack the, eh, United States, eh. Eh?” Do you know what will happen? They still won’t listen to you, cause you missed a few “eh”s. Anyways, we need to boycott all things Canadian to show we are serious about addressing this imminent threat (it shouldn’t be too hard, I mean the only things I might miss are Egg McMuffins). If we don’t, pretty soon a whole bunch of geese, beavers, moose, hockey players, and Avril Lavigne are going to attack us without warning. The other night while I was walking back to the dorms, we saw about twenty geese standing in a perfect v-formation, standing perfectly still and all facing the same direction: our dorm. On some Canadian signal, they will attack. What did you say? Celine Dion is coming to Denver on February 24th? Uh oh…
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