Back to the Future

The other day I accomplished a feat of epic proportions: I managed to stay awake through my entire philosophy of science class (okay, so I also got there thirty minutes late, but so what). Needless to say, I immediately wished I had fallen asleep. Philosophy of science is one of those things that seems harmlessly enough, but can get really confusing really fast (like women). I remember that a few classes ago, I vaguely remember somebody saying something about snakes moving at the speed of light before I drifted off into a troubled sleep. I’m pretty sure that if snakes could move at the speed of light, somebody (like the president of the United States) should be warned so we can take appropriate action (like sending some snakes on plane to Iran).

Now to be fair, I am not a big science guy. The extent of my scientific expertise is reading long words on nutrition labels (the biggest difference between skinny and fat people is that skinny people read the nutrition labels before they buy food, fat people read them while they are eating the food). I do not trust science or scientists for a very logical reason; it is all voodoo. Bill Nye is the only source I trust when it comes to science.

Anyway, the day’s philosophy topic was time travel. Now if you’re like me, you think that time travel was one of those things that only existed in the movies, like black presidents (note to self: replace with “smart dogs” if Obama wins). But apparently time travel is a very serious topic in philosophy of science cause there we were, discussing with straight faces what would happen if we traveled back in time and (I’m not making this up) date-raped, mugged, or flirted with our younger selves. One person also suggested we “punch our younger self in the sternum.” I don’t know why he chose the sternum. To be honest, I don’t know where on my body my sternum is. Bill Nye never mentioned anything about them.

But this got me thinking, what would I do if I could travel back in time to see my younger self? For starters, I would tell myself not to take philosophy and science. In fact, I would go to my high school self and tell him to not go to college in the first place. “The economy is going in the crapper anyway,” I would tell me. “Don’t bother with all the applications and essays. Just start selling crack right now. Oh, and ABC is going to come out with this new show called Lost, and you will want to watch it. Don’t! It’ll just fill your brain with unfinished plots, unanswered questions, and an unhealthy obsession with Evangeline Lily.”

Of course, I wouldn’t waste too much time talking to myself with so many other things to do (also I’m pretty sure it would be the most unintelligent conversation in the history of mankind). I would go to the midnight unveiling of the seventh Harry Potter book and scream at the top of my lungs, “Dumbledore is gay!” I would travel to a time when dinosaurs and Cloris Leachman roamed the Earth and swat the first mosquito. Then I would find the parents of Shakespeare and make sure they never meet, thus freeing millions of innocent children from the horrors of plays in English class. I would go back to the seventh day of Genesis to finally prove my theory that God created football on Sunday and intended for us to watch football on the weekend, not go to church.

But that’s just me. Maybe you might go back and do honorable and helpful things, like fix those damn levees or give the starving children of Africa winning lottery numbers. So what would you do? Feel free to leave your plans in a comment. That is, if computers still exist when I’m done. Because I’m gonna go back in time and convince Bill Gates and Steve Jobs forget their jobs to deal crack with me.