Phelps' Secret Swimming Formula

In case you don’t keep up with all the latest celebrity scandals, a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps smoking marijuana out of a bong has surfaced (haha pun). Story is that Phelps just showed up to some college party doing what all young males are doing when we show up for parties: looking for chicks, drinks, and drugs. Apparently Phelps found at least one. I’m sure this is not the first time that he has done this; I mean he’s Michael Phelps, he could get into any party he wants.

But this party was ruined by “that person.” They are the people who apparently think it is a great idea to take pictures of everybody at parties and then post them up all over the internet. Okay, so a lot of people probably took pictures with Phelps that night. But those pictures were just to take out for the grandkids to convince them that at one time you were cool. “See, I once got wasted with a 16-time Olympic medalist. What have you done with your life?”

My first reaction to the photo was “Well DUH!” I mean, of course Michael Phelps smokes dope. It would explain so much. I mean, have you ever listened to the guy talk? He sounded stoned in all of his interviews with NBC. Plus, have you ever seen how much the guy eats? You thought that was because of his strenuous workouts? No, it’s because he always has the munchies from smoking the green. Besides, Phelps was pulled over at the age of 19 for a DUI, so this is not his first run in with the law.

Some people are thinking that this will tarnish his image, particularly as a role model. I don’t see this as a negative for society overall. You just know that after the Beijing Olympics, tons of helicopter parents began signing their children up for these ridiculously expensive swim programs in the hopes of making their kid the next Michael Phelps. The parents of the kids who don’t make it in one of the cash sports always need an obscure sport to enroll their child in so they can someday hope to watch them on TV (how else do you explain lacrosse?). Maybe now that parents have become disenchanted with Phelps, they’ll go back to raising their children in rabbit cages in the hopes of creating the next Shawn Johnson.

If anything, this whole scandal just increases my opinion of Michael Phelps. I used to swim competitively in high school, and I have seen swimmers who could swim non-stop for hours struggle to swim in kiddie pools after smoking dope. Swimming is not a sport you can do stoned. If you’re high in soccer, yeah you stumble around and fall down, but they will just think you’re faking an injury, which soccer players do all the time. But in swimming, you just drown. So if Michael Phelps is swimming stoned, he is truly amazing. Even more outstanding is that Phelps owned up to his mistake. Sure, he was dropped by Kellogs as a sponsor (even though I bet a large portion of people that consume cereal are stoned college students) and was suspended by U.S Swimming, but this whole incident just makes him feel more like us: a goofy college kid who just happens to swim fast. Besides, it was the offseason. I’m sure every athlete in the world smokes pot in the offseason.

ALERT: ANTI-TIM TEBOW RANT:

Except of course, Tim Tebow, because Tim Tebow is perfect (that sound you hear is me vomiting). For those of you who don’t know, Tebow is the quarterback for the University of Florida Gators. I have never hated an athlete more than I hate Tim Tebow. Everybody seems to think that Tim Tebow is the pinnacle of human evolution or something, even though I think he looks closer to Neanderthal than Homo sapien. Everybody keeps talking about what a great and humble kid he is, yet he talks more trash than anybody. The reason I first didn’t like him was when he started talking about how he thought Colt Brennan of the University of Hawaii was a system quarterback and that he didn’t deserve the Heisman. Nobody talked about this, but when UH Coach June Jones said exactly the same thing of Tim Tebow, the media pulled its groin leaping to the defense of Tebow.

When Tim Tebow was flagged for taunting in the title game (while backing away from the other player might I add), the announcer had the nerve to say “I bet that’s the first thing he’s done wrong in his life.” He earlier had said “If you spend 15 minutes with Tebow your life will be better for it.” Blehh. The guy is a talentless hack. He does what any 6’5’’ guy would do when given the ball; he runs straight forward and runs over small cornerbacks and celebrates like he just cured cancer. I’m pretty sure he is legally retarded. This is what’s going through his mind on the field:

“Haha, Coach gave Timmy ball. Timmy run with ball. Why people chase Timmy? Timmy no do nothing wrong. Now Timmy mad. Timmy hurt mean man with scary mask. Hey, that man dressed like zebra. Timmy like zebras.”

END OF TIM TEBOW RANT ALERT

So in short, let’s give Michael Phelps a break. At least he’s not Tim Tebow.